


SHINee Expelliarmus!!!!!

by taepple



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, SHINee
Genre: Angst, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Love Triangles, M/M, MAJORLY crack. fair warning, This fic has it all!, i seriously dont know what tags to use. just pls read it, references to halloweentown, taemin is a tad of a thot if im honest, taemin is a total bicon LMAO, tw for child abuse. it isnt graphic but its there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-07-07 17:46:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 13,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15913191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taepple/pseuds/taepple
Summary: The members of SHINee get accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is their story, uncut and uncensored. Viewer discretion advised.





	1. Preface

Fair warning: this story is crack.

This fanfiction is written by three different authors who alternate round robin style, and each entry ends with the writer giving the next person challenges that she must incorporate into the next chapter. The Original Characters are self-inserts of the authors, but don't judge because that's seriously half the fun of writing crack like this. Cringe culture is dead. End of story. Sometimes chapters leave off mid-sentence and the next writer has to finish the sentence.

In this fic, SHINee does not know each other, and they all have their own respective backgrounds that we will explain as the entries go on. They are also their current ages and are allowed to be in Hogwarts due to a new policy where older witches and wizards can attend.

Now, for the biggest disclaimer of all. They are _NOT_  based on their true selves. We are not saying that the members of SHINee are like this at all. Their personalities, much like all the other people included, are warped purely for humor. Don't get mad thinking we're accusing them of being a certain way. We know they aren't like this. It's a crack fic. Things get warped.

This story is meant to be funny. Don't take it too seriously.

The authors are:  
\- Faye → OC is Fi  
\- Jiayi → OC is Sabrina  
\- Hachiko → OC is Ryuka

Read on if you dare...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Hachiko desuuuuuuuuu~!!!!!!


	2. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew receives his Hogwarts letter.

Onew's hands trembled as he held the parchment letter. Trudy, the housekeeper at House of Anubis (his current school) had given it to him at breakfast that morning, and it had taken him by surprise. He never got mail. But now he was holding the strangest letter he'd ever read in his life.

     Dear Mr. Lee,

          We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I know that usually first years are 11 and you're, like, almost 30 and stuff but idk we've just gotten really lax on our admission policies or something. Anyway just come to our school cuz it cool.

          Love,

                 Gandalf Dumbledore Scoresby, Headmaster

"What are you reading there, sweetie?" Trudy asked, peering over his shoulder. Onew jumped, concealing the letter.

"Nothing," he replied quickly. "Just a letter, from my, um, my mom."

He knew what had to be done. He hated House of Anubis; this was a perfect opportunity for something better. Something magical. He had to escape and get to Hogwarts, and he was going to take his girlfriend, Fi, with him.

 

CHALLENGE for the next chapter:

  * Key must talk back to his parents while chewing gum obnoxiously
  * Someone must say, "you just smacked my butt! Not cool!"
  * Key must chew tobacco



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Faye
> 
> References:  
> \- House of Anubis is a Nickelodeon show from like 2011. Idk if anyone else was into it, but we all were. It's actually a pretty good show. It... just doesn't have the best acting. Still recommend tho!!  
> \- Gandalf Dumbledore Scoresby is a combo of 3 ppl lmao. Gandalf and Dumbledore are really obvious, but Scoresby refers to Lee Scoresby is from the His Dark Materials series by Philip Pullman.


	3. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Key's origin story.

Key sat peacefully on the roof outside his room, chewing his favorite brand tobacco as he watched the sunset.

“Kibum! Kim Kibum!” he heard his step-mother screaming from the yard below. “How many times have I told you not to sit on the roof?!”

Key glared at her and spat out his tobacco emo-ly. He then somehow managed to climb down to the yard and slap her butt. “You’re NOT my mom, Jillean!” the, like, 28 year old boy said in the most Hallmark movie way possible.

“You just slapped my butt! Not cool!” Jillean scolded, holding up her finger and shaking it at him. “Your father and I have something to discuss with you.”

Key rolled his eyes dramatically and grabbed a pack of gum from his back pocket. He selected four pieces and shoved them into his mouth, letting the paper wrappings fall onto the grass.

“It’s important, Key…” She beckoned for him to follow to follow her as she strolled into their middle class home.

Mr. Kim was waiting for them patiently at the dining table, visibly sweating when he met eyes with Key.

“O-Oh, uh, good evening, son…” he mumbled.

“YOU’RE HARDLY MY FATHER!” Key interrupted, crackling his gum as loudly as possible.

Mr. Kim winced. “S-son, Key… We’ve, uh, decided to… enroll you in a boarding school. In England.” he swallowed dramatically, shutting his eyes tightly.

Jillean noticed her husband’s struggle and stepped in. “You’ve gotten into so much trouble at school lately! You just got suspended!” She glanced at Key who was maintaining a poker face. “Remember how your mother was a witch? Well… you’re a wizard, Key. All those times you beat up kids with your mind? You were using magic. It’s a magic school.”

The couple stared at Key as he suddenly broke into a wide smile.

CHALLENGES:  
-someone must sing “Baby Shark”  
-Taemin must cry  
-Taemin must break a rib somehow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love,  
> Jiayi  
> REFERENCES:  
> -Jillean is the mom from the Jackie Chan film "The Spy Next Door"  
> -Hallmark is a greeting card company thing that also makes movies on their TV channels 'Hallmark' & 'Hallmark Movies and Mysteries'. The acting is really, really bad, the romance is cheesy, and there's always a child character who hates the main character.


	4. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taemin's background is discovered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is where the child abuse comes in, unfortunately. There's also some homophobia going on.
> 
> Y'all are gonna hate me for being the one to add this to the story, but I swear I was put up to it. I wrote it, that's it. The other thots thot it up.

Taemin curled up under the sheets of his bed and tried to shut out the world. He saw little point in being alive anymore. He was useless; his father has made that quite clear to him.

"Dancing? You want me to let you do _that_? Spend my precious time bringing you to homo lessons?"

Taemin could hear his father's voice echoing in his head. He had never had the most manly appearance, and his dad never let him forget it.

His dad had tried to beat it out of him...

"Don't think of that," Taemin breathed, rubbing his thigh. He kept repeating it to himself until his breathing calmed and his panic crept back down his throat.

"Taemin~!"

The panic was back, and it was pouring out his mouth in heavy pants.

"Oh, Taemin~! Where are you, you little pussy?" his father slurred. He must have come back from drinking while his mother was still out. She was his favorite punching bag, and while she wasn't around, Taemin was her replacement. 

The door to Taemin's room suddenly slammed open, and the outline of a figure could be seen.

"There you are," his father grinned saccharinely.

Tears began to leak from Taemin's eyes. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. Taemin's mind regressed to a time when full lips and cheeks on a boy were seen as cute. A time when his father reached to tickle him, not slap.

Mr. Lee started to slam his fists into his son's gut, and his eyes searched for an object to use. His hands weren't creating satisfactory pain. He needed something more lethal. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a strange figurine his son seemed to be working on. It was hideous, but it would do the job. He picked it up and began to whip it against Taemin.

Taemin's brain was in a different place, however. He began to sing a song he remembered being taught in kindergarten. The lyrics escaped him, but he could recall the tune and that it was about sharks. That's right. The pain he felt was just the part where you got eaten by a shark. That crack he felt in his chest was not his rib breaking, but an imaginary shark biting him. He was safe.

Taemin felt his consciousness fade.

*****

It was hard to open his eyes when he woke. His eyes were swollen and crusted with salt from his tears. Amazingly, though, his body felt fine. In fact, he felt lighter and more healthy than he had in years.

"I see you've woken up," a cowboy-esque voice squeaked.

Taemin turned to see a rabbit on his bedside table, paws rested atop a mysterious letter.

*****

**CHALLENGES:  
** • Duff must be Minho's personal chef who he forces to come with him  
• Minho must have a hissy fit  
• Someone must say, "well everyone's body goes through changes" 

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh so yeah,,, u prob hate me!! that was bad content. i usually don't do violence. my specialty is angst.  
> \- Hachiko~!!
> 
> REFERENCES:  
> \- The figurine is from the "Hello" MV. I'm sorry, Taem, but that thing was,,, something.  
> \- The song is "Baby Shark" or whatever. It was a challenge and I hate it so.  
> \- The rabbit is from His Dark Materials. Her name is Hester, and she's Lee Scoresby's daemon. As previously mentioned, Lee Scoresby is one of the people Dumbledore was morphed with.


	5. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prince Minho of South Korea learns some Earth-shattering news...

"Wake up Master Choi!" said the royal maid as she opened the billowing curtains of Prince Minho's bed chamber, spilling light onto his face. He squinted against the early morning sunshine.

"Fetch my tennis clothes, Mildred," he commanded the maid sleepily. "I have my private lesson today."

"Apologies milord," replied the maid in a low-class, turn-of-the-century British accent which makes no sense because they're in modern-day Korea. "The King and Queen have instructed me to prepare your finest hanbok for today. Special occasion, they said."

 _How odd_ , Minho thought. As Prince of ~~Tennis~~ Korea, he was used to his life being meticulously planned; spontaneity was unheard of. So what was this sudden 'special occasion'? He allowed his servants to robe him in the hanbok, pulling his long hair back into a traditional topknot. Prince Minho admired his reflection in the gilded mirror hanging on his bedroom wall. With his tall height, silky black hair, and pouty lips, Minho knew he was the best looking man in all the land. But not even his good looks could cheer him up that morning. Why couldn't he attend his sports lesson? What were his parents planning?

When he entered the royal dining hall for breakfast and sat down at the grandly set table, he immediately confronted the King and Queen, his mother and father.

"What's going on?" he whined. "Why can't I go to my tennis lesson?"

The King and Queen exchanged excited looks.

"We've enrolled you at a magical boarding school!" the Queen squealed. "In England! You'll be going in a few days!"

Minho's stomach fell. "What?!" he cried, dropping his spoon down into his cereal bowl with a clatter and spilling milk in the process. 

"Isn't it great?!" the King gushed. "You'll get a top-notch education there. We have a witch in the family! Isn't it wonderful?"

"I WON'T GO!" Minho was standing now, fists clenched, and stamped his foot. "I DON'T WANT TO MOVE TO ENGLAND!"

"But honey--"

"NOOOO!" Minho ripped out his bun, dropped himself to the floor, and proceeded to flail himself around, shouting "OOLULULULULU!!!"

"Don't worry, son!" the King shouted over the Prince's ruckus. "It'll be okay! The royal chef, Dufe Goldberg, will be going with you! In fact, this was his idea in the first place!"

Minho paused. The chef, huh? He was going to have to move abroad and miss years of tennis lessons and it was all Chef Dufe's fault.

"Excuse me for a moment," Minho said calmly, getting up off the floor and brushing himself off before stalking away to the royal kitchens. There he found Chef Dufe, baking cupcakes. Chef Dufe was short, fat, and bald, with a patchy beard on his chin and bulgy eyes.

"I don't like this recipe....I  _love_ it," Dufe was saying, admiring his confectionary handywork.

Minho slammed his fist on the counter in front of the chef, only a centimeter away from smashing his cupcake. The fat chef jumped in surprise.

"WHAT is going on, peasant?!" Minho demanded scathingly.

"Oh," replied Dufe, looking suddenly guilty. "About that. See, I was offered a job at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and I really wanted to take it, so--"

"So this is all about YOU, huh?! YOU'RE ruining MY life just because of what you want?! You, a lowly, classless, dirty  _peasant_?!" Minho sneered at Dufe's baggy khaki shorts and sweat-stained t-shirt.

"Well everybody's body goes through changes, I mean--"

"DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!" 

"What's going on in here?" cried the Queen, bursting into the kitchen. "What's with all this fighting? Minho, you are going to Hogwarts, and that is final!"

Prince Minho was fuming. This was SO not fair!

CHALLENGE:

  * Key must be escorted onto his plane by the police because of his delinquent behavior
  * there must be a car chase
  * someone must say, "He's got a gun!"



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Faye
> 
> YES, I know that the modern Korean political system is not a monarchy and there is no King/Queen/Prince, and even if there were, they prob wouldn't eat cereal for breakfast. I don't care. This is a crack fic.
> 
> REFERENCES:  
> -"Dufe Goldberg" is a caricature of Duff Goldman, who is a celebrity baker on Food Network.  
> -Prince of Tennis is a manga series that ironically, I have never read in my life.  
> -"We have a witch in the family, isn't it wonderful!" is a direct quote from the HP SS/PS movie (Aunt Petunia says it)  
> -"Well everybody's body goes through changes" is a line from the TV show So Weird, the episode entitled "Werewolf" from season 2 (Carey Bell says it).


	6. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Key is escorted to Hogwarts Airlines.

Key was ecstatic when he found out the news. I mean him, a wizard! That's just so fetch! And he even got to escape from his incompetent "parents"! He could chuck someone off the clocktower and Jillean would never find out.

One downside though.

After Key's latest stunt where he snatched the principal's ugly weave right off of her porcupine head, he was technically a criminal.

So he was escorted to the airport in a police car.

Honestly, Key didn't mind so much, it actually made him look really cool, a total bad boy, just the image he was going for. However, the police officer sitting beside him was squashing him against the window uncomfortably, and smelled like a foul mixture of cat piss and body odor.

 _What a turn off..._ Key thought dejectedly, trying his best to gaze out the window dramatically without getting his nose smashed into his skull.

They arrived at the airport within THORTY MINNNNNN and Key was gasping for fresh air, the cop's stench had nearly suffocated him.

Officer Chubs, as Key liked to call him, pushed him against the car roughly before handcuffing him, quickly patting him down to check for any weapons. "He's got a gun!" the cop screamed, pulling a loaded pistol out of Key's sock.

"Oh, sorry man, that's just from yesterday." Kibum responded casually, not even batting an eye at the man behind him.

Officer Chubs shrugged and and shook his head, tossing the gun down onto the backseat. "Consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds..." He then pulled Key back from the car and somehow handed the boy his luggage despite Key being handcuffed.

"Aren't you going to walk me to the plane then uncuff me?" the younger asked, smacking his lips obnoxiously on the last word.

Officer Chubs ignored him, sitting back down next to the pistol.

"Don't I get my gun back?!" Key screeched.

The policeman proceeded to shut the door in his face and start the engines.

"I'll kill you! I'm-I'm not even worried about it!" Kibum yelled, running after the car.

The chase continued for about a block before Officer Chubs turned on the sirens and speeded away.

"Mothertrucker, dude." Key sighed to himself, sitting down on the sidewalk. Suddenly, he noticed a big crowd of people with lots of cameras and flashing lights toward the entrance of the airport. He strolled closer, still handcuffed, and saw none other than Choi Minho himself, Prince of Korea, basking in the attention from his fans.

Key threw up in his mouth a little. This dude was even wearing a hanbok! What a narcissistic motherfuh...

He somehow managed to reach into his back pocket and grab some tobacco to chew. His flight would be boarding soon, but he needed to savor his last bit of Korean tobacco for a while.

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

Boarding was a nightmare. All the Korean Hogwarts students were lined up, chattering mindlessly and then there was Key. Handcuffed.

He could hear Prince Minho whining loudly to a large, fat, hideous man with a bald spot beard. "Can I get a waffle?! Can I PLEASE get a waffle?!" the Prince flipped his long hair and Key resisted the urge to beat him to a pulp. He couldn't do anything with these fricking handcuffs on!

A slightly shorter boy walked up to him. "Do you need some help there? I can unlock those for you."

Key turned to look at the boy properly and was met with a huge smile and badly crimped hair. Kibum didn't respond.

"Here." the shorter boy said, grabbing Key's hands and unlocking the cuffs with a spell.

"Whoa." the bad boy gasped. "Thanks man!"

"It's Jonghyun, what's your-"

"ALL ABOARD, ALL ABOARRRRDDDDDD!" a voice bellowed on the loud speaker, cutting Jonghyun off.

Kibum immediately grabbed his luggage and sprinted straight to the stairs leading up to the plane. He was about to take the first step when -- BAM!

"Out of the way, peasant!" Prince Mean Hoe jeered, smacking Key out of the way with his Fendi suitcase.

And that was it. That was all Key needed as an excuse to assassinate the Prince of South Korea.

He grabbed Minho's hair and pulled it as hard as he could before shoving Minho into the crowd behind them. Unfortunately for Key, the Prince came bouncing right back after hitting Bald Beard's fat stomach.

So, in the most anime way possible, Minho fell directly on top of Kibum. "My father will hear about this..." he whispered sinisterly before using the delinquent's face as a handle to boost himself back up, leaving Key to sit awkwardly as the crowd stared at him.

CHALLENGES:

-someone must say "I wish I could just make a wish and become a better person."

-someone must get poisoned by Dufe's cooking

-a life or death situation must occur and Taemin must dance to save them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love,  
> Jiayi♥  
> -cat pee and B.O. is what my room smells like  
> -THORTY MINNNNNN is a reference to this one clip from top chef or smth like that. we were trying to catch a funny line with snapchat ("he says abapidiy boopita and expects me to know what it is!") but we ended up accidentally catching someone saying "THIRTY MIN-" (he was cut off by the video ending). once i was making a ref to this on goodreads and made the typo "thorty" and it just kinda stuck.  
> -"consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds" is a verse from the bible, james 1:2-4. i don't actually read the bible i just saw it in this video and thought it was funny: https://youtu.be/yEzim2mPHmg  
> -"I'll kill you, I'm not even worried about it" is from a vine  
> -"Mothertrucker dude" is from a vine  
> -"narcissistic motherfuh" is from a youtube rant about Duff Goldman  
> -"can i please get a waffle" is from a vine


	7. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fated meeting on a doomed flight.

"It'd be wise to avoid his kind."

Key poorly covered up the jolt that rang through his body. Bad boys never got spooked! He... He was just dabbing! Putting a scowl back on his face, Key turned to where the voice was coming from.

Jonghyun smiled at Key. "Sorry, didn't mean to surprise you there."

"I wasn't surprised!" Key dabbed at him aggressively, causing the other boy to chuckle.

"Anyway, don't mind the prince. Hogwarts is an amazing place, full of amazing people, but it's not free of spoiled brats like Prince Minho. Now, tell me, why were you handcuffed?"

******

Taemin boarded the plane, clutching Hester to his chest. The rabbit had introduced herself as the headmaster's daemon shortly after he had finished reading his letter. Apparently, the headmaster had heard of Taemin's circumstances and had sent Hester to make sure he received his letter safely.

He hadn't even hesitated to accept the invitation to attend. Anything to get him away from his father. So, here he was, surrounded by people he didn't know, going to a country he'd never been to before.

To calm himself, he began to examine the people he passed as he tried to find his seat. In the front of the left row was a plump woman with an unnatural hue of blonde hair. She seemed to have passed out with a bottle of tequila in her hand.

He moved forward and was shocked by the Prince of Korea before him. Minho appeared to be fussing over some cookies.

"Do you want these?" Prince Minho snapped at Taemin. When Taemin didn't react, he glowered and said, "Don't ignore me, serf! I, out of the sheer kindness of my heart, am offering you food. I bet you're so poor you haven't even eaten today!" He chortled loudly and shoved the cookies at Taemin. "Be happy with my blessing. Now, away with you!"

Taemin just stood there in a stupor until Minho threatened to unleash his cook on him. He wasn't quite sure what that meant, but he definitely wasn't hanging around to find out.

"No more people watching," he thought to himself as he rushed to his seat.

K. L. M. M2! There was his seat!

There was already someone sitting in the seat next to his, a boy with a buzzcut bleached to a light blond. He had a mean look on his face and was chewing something not unlike a cow chewed cud.

The boy turned to Taemin who flinched in response, expecting to be yelled at. Nothing happened. Taemin opened his eyes to see the boy staring longingly at the cookies in his hand.

"What ya got there?" the boy asked, his stomach conveniently growling at that exact moment.

"Uh... Some chocolate chip cookies, I think," Taemin said, trailing off.

"Can I have some?"

"Uh... S-sure?" He put the bag in the boy's reach, wincing when it was tore from his grasp.

The boy didn't even bother to undo the zipper seal, just ripped the plastic and poured the cookies into his mouth.

"My name is Kibum, by the way. Gang name is Key, though, so you can call me that. What's yours?"

"Taemin-"

"Nice to meet you, Taemin! I can tell you and me are going to be best friends!"

Taemin was shook by the sight before him. The boy - Key - who was just giving off the aura of a killer had turned into a sweet puppy wholly through the introduction of a few cookies.

Key grabbed Taemin's hands. "We must form a blood oath!"

"Th-that really won't be necessary!"

No, I insist-" Key suddenly hunched over and grabbed his abdomen. "You... You poisoned me! What? Are you Shrek Kang's brother? Is this a vendetta? Well, he deserved to die!"

"What?! Poison? T-those cookies were from Prince Minho! W-" Taemin gulped. "Were they poisoned?!"

However, Key wasn't fully listening, just kept whispering under his breath, "I wish I could just make a wish and become a better person. Then, I wouldn't be dying right now." He suddenly realized what Taemin had said. "Wait, you got those from Prince Prissy Pants?"

Taemin nodded.

"He tried to kill _my_ best friend?!"

Taemin was getting whiplash from how quickly things were moving. His prince had given him poisoned cookies? He was Key's best friend??????

Key got up to kill Minho when the plane suddenly shifted, knocking him off balance and into the aisle.

A crazed voice came over the the speakers of the plane. "I'm hijacking this plane!"

Taemin looked to the front and saw the plump woman from before holding an assault rifle to the pilot's head with one hand and the microphone with the other.

She turned to the pilot. "Don't try anything funny, or I'll kill you and everyone else on this plane." She then fixed her eyes on Key who was still lying in the aisle. Pointing the gun at him, she cackled manically, "Dance, and I may spare you!"

Taemin, in a sudden burst of strength, stood up and spat in the ugly woman's face, "Leave him alone! I'll dance for you, you hag." He then swung his hips and gracefully moved to a beat only he could hear. The whole world melted away as he let his heart take over.

The woman stared at him and shrugged her shoulders before walking back to her seat and passing out again.

"T-Taemin... you... saved me," Key murmured in disbelief. "That's it. Blood oath. Now."

 **Challenges!**  
♥ Someone must mistake Taemin for Shoma Uno  
♥ They must get to Hogwarts  
♥ We must be introduced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if some of the plane stuff isn't reality. I've never been on a plane before so uhhh I hope the seating stuff isn't too bad  
> \- Hachiko ♥
> 
> Refs:  
> \- Shrek Kang is a long story. Something we call one of Faye's ex-bfs ig u could say lmao. He wasn't the best.  
> \- Drunk woman is Nancy Fuller/Yard. I can't remember her actual last name, and I don't wanna look it up cuz I'm fine not knowing. Messing up her name is fun shrugshrug. She is introduced next entry, but I'll say who it is anyway


	8. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sorting ceremony begins.

"Okay," Taemin said in disbelief. He had never had a friend before, let alone a blood-oath friend. How exciting!

Key pulled out a dagger from his pocket and quickly slit his palm. "Are you ready?" Key held the dagger out to Taemin. With a shaking hand, Taemin took it and brought the blade to his palm. It stung as it sliced through his flesh, but as he held his wounded hand to Key's, fingers interlaced and their blood flowing as one, he knew he was exactly where he needed to be.

***

Lightening struck as the crew disembarked from the plane at Hogsmeade Airport. A quick look around revealed that they were at the edge of a big black lake, a towering castle looming from the other side in the distance. A small fleet of rowboats peppered the water, docked at the rocky shore.

"Firs' years! Firs' years this way! Onto the boats!" shouted a big, fat ogre with green skin and a leather vest layered overtop his tunic. "What are ye doing in mah swamp? Get on the boats! Firs' years!"

Taemin was about to follow the ogre and get on the nearest rowboat to travel across the lake when suddenly a big buff bald man stepped into his path.

"So it's true, then. What they're saying on the plane. Shoma Uno has come to Hogwarts," the buff bald man drawled.

"What?" Taemin asked, confused. Having been abused, he had never been allowed to watch the Olympics and had no idea who Shoma Uno was. Luckily, Key stepped in.

"Um, does he  _look_ like short little Shoma Uno to you?" Key spat. "My boy Taemin is 5'9" AT LEAST!"

The fat bald guy sneered at Key briefly before turning back to Taemin. "You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are better than others, Shoma. I can help you there." He held out his hand for Taemin to shake. But Taemin didn't take it.

"I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks. And I'm not Shoma Uno!" With that, he and Key got on one of the boats with the ogre, leaving the bald kid in the dust.

***

The group stood in the Great Hall for the sorting ceremony. It was unnerving to stand in front of 4 tables of 11-17 year-olds when some of the group were as old as their late 20s, but it was even more nerve-wracking to face the high table, where all the teachers were sitting: Professor Shrek, the ogre; Professor Nancy Yard, the alcoholic hi-jacker; as well as professors Jackie Chan, Guy Fieri, and Lorraine Pascal.

The headmaster, Professor Scoresby, then stood up. He had a long gray beard, a cowboy hat, and held a pet rabbit in his arms.

"Let the sorting begin!" he announced.

"Ahh, I'm so nervous!" squealed a girl who looked like Amber from f(x). "I'm having a crisis!" 

"It'll be okay," Taemin said soothingly, smiling at her shyly.

"Thanks," the girl replied, taking a deep breath to calm herself. "My name is Ryuka Liu and this is my friend, Sabrina Cromwell." She gestured to a skinny blonde girl standing beside her, who was wearing over-sized headphones and a tracksuit.

"Shhh!" Fi was standing nearby with Onew; the couple had successfully escaped from House of Anubis. "They're about the start calling names!"

"Malfoy, Vinchinzo!" the headmaster called. The bald bully from the lake walked up to the front and put the sorting hat on his head.

"SLYTHERIN!" the hat called out instantly.

"Fitzwilliam, Filomena!" 

Fi was next under the hat. "RAVENCLAW!" it cried.

"Uno, Shoma!" called the headmaster.

Silence.

"Uno, Shoma?" he called again.

"He's right here, sir!" someone said, pointing at Taemin.

"What the heck! That's not my name, thot!" Taemin snapped. He instantly clapped a hand over his mouth, shocked at his own foul language. Was Key a bad influence on him?

"Oops, sorry," Professor Scoresby said. "I meant Lee, Taemin!"

Taemin's heart pounded as he sat beneath the hat, even though he knew nothing about any of the houses.

"Cute, maknae, not a bad mind either," said the hat in his ear. "HUFFLEPUFF!"

The next person to be called was....

 

CHALLENGE:

✧ everyone else must get sorted

✧ Minho must complain that the sorting hat is too dirty to put on

✧ Ryuka must gargle weirdly

✧ someone must say, "That's my...real name!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Faye
> 
> REFERENCES:  
> -the ogre is obviously Shrek.  
> -Scoresby is from His Dark Materials  
> -Shoma Uno is a celebrity ice skater (doesn't actually look like Taemin tbh tho)  
> -we previously wrote a fan fic about House of Anubis that featured Onew and Fi  
> -Nancy Yard is a mix of Nancy Fuller and Sherry Yard from Food Network  
> -Vinchinzo is a reference to Vincenzo Vaccaro from season 3 of Holiday Baking Championship on Food Network  
> -Guy Fieri and Lorraine Pascal are also from Food Network  
> -Jackie Chan is Jackie Chan (duh)  
> -Fi is me, Ryuka is Hachiko, and Sabrina is Jiayi
> 
> also I know it's ridiculous for Hogsmeade to have an airport but I don't care hahaha


	9. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sorting ceremony continues and a dark past comes to light.

The next person to be called was...

"Kim, Kibum!"

Key stepped forward, smiling cockily as he passed by his fellow students.

"Mmmhh..." the sorting hat mumbled. "Troublemaker with motherly tendencies... Brought a knife to school, huh? SLYTHERIN... bad boy."

Key could have sworn he saw the hat wink at him while he was walking to the Slytherin table.

"NEXT, CHOI, MINHO!"

Everyone in the great hall gasped. The Prince of South Korea was attending Hogwarts?!

Minho gave a fierce runway style walk as he approached the hat. "Wait, you're not going to put that hideoderous, filthy... THING... on my gorgeous head, are you?" he looked incredibly offended.

Professor Scoresby smashed the sorting hat onto Minho's head violently.

"Oh, it seems we have a prince in our midst... BETTA BE.... RAVENCLAAAAAAAWWWW!!!!!!" the sorting hat shouted as Prince Choi tried to throw it off his head.

Minho stomped discouragingly to the Ravenclaw table, crossing his arms like a three year old. He sat down next to his year-mate.

"You've got dirt on you hanbok by the way, did you notice?" Fi remarked sarcastically.

Minho grabbed napkins in a panic as the next student was sorted.

"CROMWELL, SABRINA." Professor Scoresby shouted.

The Halloweentown native with dirty strawberry blonde hair strolled up to the sorting hat awkwardly, her track pants making that sound (you know the one) as she walked.

"Well," the old hat sighed. "You said you were afraid of boredom when you took the Pottermore quiz five years ago... BETTA BEH RAVENCLAW!"

"Wow! Grandma Aggie will be so proud!" Sabrina thought out loud. "No thanks to mom, she's afraid of being weird..." she rushed quickly to the Ravenclaw table, avoiding the horrific Prince Minho as she passed.

"Carrara, Domiano."

An obviously Italian man who was CLEARLY wearing a thong approached the sorting hat.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Liu, Ryuka."

The girl with short black hair nervously walked toward the sorting hat, rubbing the back of her neck and laughing awkwardly. "That's, um, me. Yeah." she clicked her tongue and sat down.

"OOF," said Hatty. "Jealous, never willing to share food, says 'thot' too much. SLYTHERIN!"

Ryuka was about to get up when she was interrupted. "But wait!" the hat said. "There's more! Can I have your autograph, Amber?"

"That's my... real name..." Ryuka muttered before flaring her nostrils and walking away.

As she sat down at the Slytherin table, Key glared at her menacingly. Ryuka simply grabbed her water and gargled it dramatically.

"Okay. Next." Professor Scoresby announced, searching the list. "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry... Uh, that's right, Lee, Jinki!"

Onew made his way to the sorting hat, hands in his pockets. Fi probably thought he was looking like a SNACC.

"Ah, I see," the sorting hat said. "You're not supposed to be here, are you?" Everyone in the great hall glanced at each other questioningly, whispering suspicions. "GRYFFINDOR!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love,  
> Jiayi❤️  
> hello can i comment half this chapter is making fun of me??? in fact ryuka's whole character is attacking me???? thank u both -hachi  
> -hideoderous is from Jim Carrey's 'The Grinch'  
> -"you've got dirt on your hanbok by the way, did you notice?" is a slightly edited quote from the HPatSS (or HPatPS if you aren't American), Hermione says it to Ron on the train, "you've got dirt on your nose by the way, did you know?"  
> -Domiano Carrara is a food network chef  
> -the last name Cromwell/Grandma Aggie are from Halloweentown, a Disney Channel original movie with terrible acting  
> -Ryuka is supposed to look like Amber Liu from f(x)  
> -"thot" stands for That Hoe Over There  
> -"sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry" is a ref to the song "Sorry, Sorry" by Super Junior  
> -"SNACC" is internet slang. I'm sure you can pick up on the meaning. Basically, Onew be looking sexy man.


	10. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A forbidden kiss in the Forbidden Forest.

"U-uh... Prince Minho?"

Minho turned around to see a girl who was flushed and staring holes into the cool stone beneath them. Behind her, she clutched what appeared to be a notebook covered in cartoon corgies.

"Cou-could I have your autograph?" she whispered, her voice barely audible. 

"Why? I see no benefit in doing such a useless action for such a useless peasant," the prince replied, coolly.

The girl's eyes began to shine(e) with tears, and she excused herself quickly before running off into the girl's dorms.

Fi had been watching the exchange from across the Advanced Age, AA for short (creating no end of jokes about drinking), common room. She wasn't usually the type to butt into other people's business, but something about the prince drove her crazy. She approached him and crossed her arms in disapproval.

"What a mature reaction that was," she scoffed.

Minho's gaze slid over to Fi, then to her body. He smirked and brought his eyes back up to her face. 

"You want my autograph too? I can think of a few places I wouldn't mind signing," he purred, punctuating his sentence with a sultry wink.

She narrowed her eyes. "What did you just say?"

"Come on. No need to be shy. I'm the prince! Every peasant wants my autograph!"

"Yeah? Well, you're no prince of mine. I couldn't care less about you and your crusty cosplay getup." With that, Fi walked away, leaving behind a fuming Minho.

*****

During the opening ceremony, Professor Scoresby had been clear that the Forbidden Forest was off limits, but Key didn't care about all this rubbish. He was a bad boy. Bad boys didn't care about the "rules." Tonight, he was going in and proving to the whole student body that the staff of Hogwarts were just exaggerating and trying to be party poopers.

"Hey." Key poked at Taemin who was reading beside him. The two had been inseparable since they formed their blood pact, despite being opposites in personality. 

"Hey!" he tried again, this time louder.

Taemin jolted, his shoujo manga falling into his lap. "Yeah?" he gasped.

"Eh... sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." Key smiled lightly. "You seem to really like that girly stuff. Anyway, I was just wondering if you'd wanna go somewhere with me?"

Taemin frowned. _Girly._ He shook his head to clear the thought away. "Where do you have in mind?"

"The Forbidden Forest," Key said as if it were as casual a hangout as a grocery store.

"What?!" Taemin was breathless.

"Come on! It'll be fun!"

"B-but, you heard what Professor Scoresby said! It's dangerous in there!"

Key waved his hand dismissively. "They were just exaggerating. Besides, any real danger and I'll protect us both!" He brought his hand to his chest and grinned (because this is an anime).

"If you're sure... Okay."

With that, they both set off into the forest. It was surprisingly easy to get in for how strict the teachers acted about students not being allowed in.

Key heard Taemin whimper beside him and grabbed the younger boy's hand. "Don't worry! Key-hyung's got you."

Taemin smiled at him appreciatively before holding his hand back. Maybe meeting Key really was fate.

They walked for a bit until Taemin suddenly stopped, halting Key as well.

"D-did you see that?" he trembled. 

Key looked all around them, but found nothing but the lush wood and greenery. "What did you see?"

"That." Taemin pointed directly in front of them.

Key slowly looked up. A few feet ahead was a freaky-looking man with purple hair and a blade that appeared to be protruding from his shoulder blade and that wrapped around his right arm. 

"Ah! Heartbreak! Such beautiful men are going to die. Truly a tragic day," the man cried. "Well, at least tragic for you." He lunged at them.

Key only barely managed to pull him and his otouto to safety. This was not a battle he could win in his current state. He hadn't even brought his pistol with him! Bad boys never turn down a fight, but for Taemin's sake, he would.

"Let's go!" Key shouted as he yanked them both towards the entrance of the forest. They didn't bother turning to see if the man had started to chase them. Just kept running.

The entrance was in sight! They were almost there! A few more feet!

Key slammed into something huge, something he guessed was a tree. His lips registered moving and heat against them. Key opened his eyes and found himself face to face with none other than Professor Shrek. Not just face to face. Kissing.

Shrek pulled back and slapped Key unconscious. "That was my first kiss!!" the orge screamed. "And you stole it from me! I-I never meant for it to be this way!"

Taemin stood in shock.

 **CHALLENGES:**  
♢ Jonghyun must be head boy and scold Key for the kiss  
♢ Key must give Taemin his Lucifer haircut (yUMMMYYYYY)  
♢ Onew must receive a threatening letter about his dark past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Hachiko <333
> 
> References:  
> ♢ AA as in Alcoholics Anonymous tho im sure u got that lol  
> ♢ me and faye's hangout when we were younger was a grocery store lmao. jiayi sometimes came but she isn't part of our club muhaha  
> ♢ "otouto" means younger brother in japanese if yall aint weeb enough to know  
> ♢ the purple-haired man is tsukiyama from tokyo ghoul. jiayi is in love with him and tokyo ghoul :^)


	11. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Key and Taemin share some alone time and Onew gets a threatening letter.....

"Students! Out of bed!" came a disgruntled voice. Filch, the caretaker, came hobbling over and grabbed Taemin and Key painfully by their ears, dragging them back to the castle. As they walked, Taemin dared a glance, eyes shining with tears, over at Key. Had he missed something? Was Key into Professor Shrek or something? But Taemin had thought...no, hoped...

 _Oh nevermind_ , he thought sadly.  _It wa_ _s a silly idea anyway._

"Ouch! Where are you taking us, you man-hag?!" Key griped as Filch yanked them through the doors into the entrance hall. "You're pulling on my earring!"

"We're going to see Professor Snape, we are," FIlch sang in maniacal glee. "Wonder what it's like to get expelled on your first day of school?" He was taking them down a dark corridor now, lit only by dim torches set in sconces along the way. The sound of distant dripping echoed against the stone walls.

 _This way must lead to the dungeons,_ Taemin realized.

"Excuse me, what's going on here?" came a familiar voice. Filch stopped in his tracks and turned around, yanking Key and Taemin agonizingly along with him, their ears now red with soreness.

Jonghyun was standing before them, dressed pristinely in his Hogwarts robes, a gleaming Head Boy badge pinned to his chest. His hands were on his hips as he frowned sternly at them.

"I'll take it from here, Mr. Filch," he said, puffing out his chest to show off the badge. Filch looked very disappointed.

"Very well," he grumbled, releasing the boys from his grip before sulking away.

"Alright, thanks man!" Key cried as soon as Filch was out of earshot. He clapped Jonghyun on the back. "Got us out of that mess!" But Jonghyun was still frowning.

"I am very disappointed in you two!" he snipped, tight-lipped with anger. "Sneaking out into the Forbidden Forest at night? KISSING Professor Shrek? That's right, Kibum! I know about your little after-dark rendezvous!"

"But it was an acci--" Key began to protest, but Jonghyun wasn't finished.

"How do you think this is going to reflect on the Advanced Age program? On our country?!" he went on. "You should be ashamed of yourselves. Ten points from Slytherin and Hufflepuff each!"

"Not fair!"

"But hyung~!"

"I don't want to hear it!" Jonghyun retorted. "Back to the AA dorm with you, now! I have patrolling to do." With one last displeased look at them, he swept away down the hall.

Disheartened and ears still throbbing, Taemin and Key dragged their feet back to the dormitory.

"Zang, who knew he was such a hardass?" Key scoffed.

Taemin shrugged. "That's why he's a power vocal."

***

The group all sat in their common room around the fire, sinking deep into the soft armchairs and trying to forget how awkward it felt to be spending their first night in a magic castle with a bunch of strangers. The silence was unnerving.

"So," said Sabrina brightly. "I think we need to get to know each other better. So let's do some self-introductions! Keith, how about we start with you?" She turned a flirtatious gaze to Key.

"What the heck?" Key snapped. "Keith?!"

Sabrina sighed. "Um, okay. What about you, Damon?"

Taemin blushed. "Huh?"

"Ugh! Fine!" Sabrina was getting exasperated. "Owen, you?"

Onew blinked at her. "I don't think you know any of our names."

"What about me?" Prince Minho piped up, enthusiastic for the first time. "Do I get a funny English name?"

Sabrina stared at him. "Nah, you're just a Mean Hoe."

Prince Minho looked crestfallen.

Key, however, seemed to have had enough of all this. "Come on, Damon, ugh, I mean  _Taemin_ , let's ditch these wenches," Key scoffed getting up from his chair and heading towards the boys' dorm.

Taemin's heart sped up as he followed Key up the stairs. Was this what he thought it was?!

"W-what's up?" Taemin stammered, wishing he'd remembered to apply lipgloss before coming up here. His young heart was thumping in his chest so hard it felt like it would burst.

Key turned around, silhouetting his high cheekbones against the candlelight. He held up his wand and a pair of scissors. "Your hair is awful," he remarked.

Taemin felt hurt. Had Key brought him up here just to insult him? He ran a hand through his butt-length hair. "I-is it that bad?"

"It's not that bad," Key said with his mouth suddenly full of food. "I mean,  _yes_ , it is that bad. But not for long." He patted a random chair. "Well sit down."

Taemin sat down and felt Key run his hands through his mane, savoring every moment. His fingertips felt like little flecks of heaven.

"I learned a cool hair-cutting spell," said Key. "Just a few snips--" Taemin felt the scissors tug at his hair and saw a few locks fall to the floor-- "and now the charm. _Lucifurrious!_ " He tapped his wand lightly against Taemin's head. When he spun the chair around to face the mirror, Taemin gasped. He looked...sexy!

***

The rest of the group sat around the fire still in awkward silence, when suddenly they heard a tapping from one of the windows.

There was an owl outside with a letter tied to its leg, tapping to get in. Ryuka got up to let it in.

"The letter's for you," she said, handing the parchment to Onew. He opened the wax seal and began to read:

 _Mr. Lee,_  
_I know your secret, Onew Lee. I know you do not belong. Pay the price or be exposed! Meet me at the stroke of midnight at the top of the astronomy tower for further instruction._  
_Signed,_  
_Your Worst Nightmare_

"What you got there, babe?" Fi asked.

 

CHALLENGE:

✧People must react to Taemin's new do

✧Onew must meet the mystery person at the astronomy tower and they must blackmail him into doing bad things

✧Ryuka must share a tender moment with Taemin 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Faye
> 
> REFERENCES:  
> Key saying "It's not that bad" while chewing is a SHINee meme


	12. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An assignment is given from a suspicious sponsor.

“Nothing to worry about, just an update from my parents.” Onew smiled widely at his girlfriend and crumpled the letter in his hands. Four hours until midnight.

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

Key and Taemin returned to the AA common room with confidence. The older had convinced his dongsaeng into thinking he looked incredibly sexy. Taemin’s a little too impressionable...

“What the HELL have you done with your hair, Damon?!” Sabrina question exasperatedly.

“Whatcha trying to say, girl? He’s hot stuff.” Kibum exclaimed, rushing toward the Cromwell threatenly.

Sabrina didn’t budge, only glared up at Key with firm defiance. Meanwhile, Taemin was blushing so hard he felt like he was about to pass out. These mixed signals Key was throwing at him were overwhelming. _Just tell me!_ the long haired boy thought. _Are you gay or not? Do you like me or not?!_

“He looked so cute with his ponytail, why in hell did you feel the need to style it like some poorly cut Billy Ray Cyrus cosplay?” Sabrina crossed her arms in a condescending sort of way.

“I...” Ryuka spoke from the couch behind them, flushing deeply. “I really love your hair that way, Taemin.”

Taemin felt his cheeks stain a light pink as he made brief eye contact with the Amber-esque girl. She had beautiful eyes.

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

The clock read five minutes to midnight. Onew was waiting nervously atop the astronomy tower, counting the seconds.

_One Mississippi... Two Mississippi..._

Who would be contacting the nearly thirty year old about his dark past? This made no sense. It was so long ago... No one was supposed to find out. He promised that man no one would find out. Was this some sort of cruel prank? Who would be playing it on him?

Jinki suddenly felt a hand on his back and the cold, metallic sting of a pistol to his head.

“If you move I’ll shoot,” a deep voice breathed in his ear.

Onew swallowed hard.

“Listen carefully,” the voice spoke again. “By tomorrow morning you must set fire to Professor Yard’s garden. If you, student or staff, fail to set fire to Professor Yard’s garden you will be punished. The girl will die.”

Onew gasped like every classic horror movie protagonist, slapping a hand to his mouth dramatically.

“Now then, I’ll leave you to it,” the pressure from this grip on his back disappeared and the glint of the gun to his head faded.

Onew thought about his current predicament as heavy, slow footsteps retreated down the stairs and away from the astronomy tower. 

_If it means saving Fi,_ he thought. _Arson is the only choice..._

CHALLENGES:  
-Key must introduce himself and Taemin to normal (not AA) students as “the foreign swaggers”  
-Sabrina must beat up Damiano  
-Someone must get detention and try to sneak out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love,  
> Jiayi
> 
> REFERENCES:  
> -Billy Ray Cyrus has a mullet, although it looks nothing like Taemin's Lucifer hair  
> -saying "Mississippi" after "one" means 1 whole second has passed  
> -"If you, student or staff fail to set fire to Professor Yard's crops you will be punished" is another slightly edited Harry Potter quote. This one's from HPatDH part 2 and Snape says it.


	13. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're not a bad boy until you get detention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh so disclaimer: duff goldman isn't actually like this. we just have a joke that i'll explain in the end notes

Taemin touched his hair as he stared at his reflection. Key had called him hot...

A flush tickled his cheeks.

What was this feeling? Taemin had never felt this way before. It felt suffocating. Almost like the punch of anxiety he got in his lungs when he saw his father, but different. It felt hopeful this time. He'd never had anyone who looked out for him. Key was his first friend. Taemin flushed deeper. No, "friend" hurt a little to say.

Suddenly, hands came down on his shoulders, jolting him from his thoughts.

"Hey there, buddy!" Key screeched. "Wanna get some snacks?"

A giggle threatened to come out of Taemin. Always food. It was a wonder Key had such a great figure.

Taemin's stomached rolled. _"Okay, no more thinking about his body,"_ he thought.

Realizing he'd been staring, Taemin finally nodded. He wasn't hungry, but he'd take any opportunity to be with Key. He set Taemin at ease.

"Ooo! I can't wait! Last time I raided the kitchen, I was able to swipe some of Prince Hoe's special meals." Key's face broke out in a soft grin at the memory.

_"God, he's cute."_

They reached the kitchen quickly as Key had already figured out all the secret passages the castle boasted (boast!). Key was right about to snatch a piece of Minho's enticing beef roast when a large shadow washed over the two of them.

"So, you're the thief," Dufe said with a strange aire of cheer. "Stealing from your own crown prince. How very disloyal."

"Our prince? Ha! He does nothing for this people. He is barely even a prince in title. No one cares about the royal family. They're nothing but a pack of thots!"

Key gaped at Taemin. The maknae had taken on a cold smirk. He felt his heart skip a beat. Key had always thought of himself as a bad boy, but this was the second time Taemin had gone into fight mode to protect him. **That** was what being a bad boy was all about: protecting your gang... protecting the people you love.

***

In the end, both Taemin and Key got detention for a week, as well as 25 points each deducted from their respective houses. Key assured the other boy that this was all in the life of a bad boy, something he had pledged to teach Taemin all about.

The two of them made their way to the detention room located in the dungeons and took the furthest back seats available.

Duff sat in front of them, grinning in delight over children's suffering. "Okay, take your seats and shut up! I've decided we're going to spice things up a little today. I'm holding a Q&A. I mean, it must be extremely exciting to have a celebrity teaching at your school. I know you're all curious."

The person ahead of Key scoffed and whispered under his breath, "What a narcissistic motherfucker."

Key decided to mess with Duff and rose his hand to say, "Hi from Korea" as this were a livestream.

Duff looked around the room and sighed. "Come on! Don't be shy! Raise your hands!"

Key gave a confused look and rose his hand higher. Still, no response.

"Taemin... Taem!" Key hissed for the other boy's attention. When he got it, he asked him to raise his hand to say the same thing.

Taemin wasn't called on either. And it wasn't just them. Key noticed not a single person of color was picked to speak.

He was about to call out the fat racist when a large howl rang through the room, getting everyone's attention.

"She snapped my thong!" Domiano wailed as he pointed at Sabrina.

She grabbed his neck. "What ya gonna do about it?" She proceeded to punch him several times, much to everyone else's disinterest.

After the interruption, Duff got all huffy about having all the attention stolen from him and refused to speak to anyone.

Key used this as an opportunity to chat up some hot babes. He dragged an unwilling Taemin over with him to a group of girls he didn't recognize from the AA.

"Hey, we're the foreign swaggers," Key said, badly impersonating American teen boy stereotypes. He punctuated the sentence by looking around the room and saying "Whoaaaaa."

The girls just smiled awkwardly and walked away.

"Damnit! This sucks! We're leaving!" Key huffed as he turned to Taemin. "Now, we both need to be as inconspicuous as possible-"

A presence appeared behind them. "Where do you think you're going?"

 **CHALLENGES:**  
-More Fi + Minho interaction  
-Onew must set fire to Prof Yard's crops and sets her on fire too in the process  
-Taem talks to Jonghyun, his roommate, about his crush on Key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Hachiko <3333
> 
> wanna make a comment that faye is currently in korea and shes the next to write for both this and where we are in the physical book we write in (which has suuchhhhh drama in it get ready guys. what we've typed is like 10% of what we've written so far)
> 
> References:  
> -as for duff, once he was doing an instagram live and the three of us were watching it for the lolz. and me and jiayi kept sending questions and he would never answer them. now, keep in mind, the man is "famous" for food network. there were maybe 10 other people sending questions. what are the odds that he never saw ours? plus, he responded to every other person. so, i went to my other account to see if he'd respond and he did lmao. the difference was that my other account had a profile pic of me, a white girl, and the first account was of an anime character and jiayi's was someone from got7 i think idk. so, we have a joke that he didn't respond because we had asian related pics and usernames LMAO. so, yeah, not true  
> -"what a narcissistic mf" is from an ACTUAL rant about duff goldman. wish i had made that up but https://youtu.be/WK_q_ydCNpg  
> -"foreign swaggers" is something nct stupidly said idk we don't really know much about them just found it funny


	14. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taemin finds his feelings difficult to hold back, and Onew does something unforgivable......

Taemin trembled as he looked around. None other than Vinchinzo Malfoy stood behind them, towering over their heads. His arms were crossed, showing off his buff muscles and intricate tattoos. He glared at Taemin's gaping face.

"I  _said_ , where do you think you're going?" he growled.

"Out," Key retorted vaguely.

Suddenly, Vinchinzo's entire demeanor changed. "Good," he exhaled. "You  _gotta_ take me with you. I'm dying from boredom over here."

Key shrugged. "Sure. Let's go."

The three boys slunk out of the classroom door while everyone was too distracted by Sabrina and Damiano's fight. Dufe was still desperately trying to get people to pay attention to his Q&A as they shut the door. The last thing they saw was Sabrina holding Damiano in a headlock before they crept away.

Key led them up a spiral staircase of a narrow, deserted tower. At the top was a small circular room with a balcony outside one of the windows. Key pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his Slytherin robes and lit up. He offered the pack to the other boys and they each pulled a cigarette timidly from the pack.

Taemin's heart fluttered as Key reached his hands toward him and lit his cigarette from between Taemin's lips. He was so close that Taemin could smell the lingering scent of soap on Key's hands. Taem inhaled deeply and choked on the fumes.

"You okay, hyung??" Vinchinzo asked, patting Taemin on the back.

"Hyung?" Taemin coughed out a reply. "You don't have to call me hyung! I'm only 25!" He blushed meekly.

Vinchinzo was silent.

"Wait..." said Key. "How old are you?"

"Uh, I'm a fifth year," Vinchinzo replied, not meeting their gaze. "I'm 15."

Taemin and Key gaped from his starkly bald head to his full beard and beer gut. Key sighed and took a deep drag on his cigarette, tapping the ash off the end over the edge of the balcony. "White people," he breathed.

***

Night was beginning to fall over the castle as the students and staff gathered in the Great Hall for dinner. Dufe and his house elf slaves had put together pizza with Dufe's favorite topping, pepperoni. There was one student, however, who was not joining in the evening meal.

Onew's heart hammered in his chest as he snuck away from the warmth of the Great Hall and out the heavy front doors of the castle, towards the greenhouses. It was time to set fire to Professor Yard's garden. The clock was ticking.

The wind whipped briskly through his hair as he opened the glass door to Greenhouse 3 and purposely left it open so that he could make a quick getaway when the time came. Everything around him was dark, and he could only see the vague outlines of plants and vegetation silhouetted in the moonlight.

"Iiiiiincendioooooooo!" Onew cried whilst whirling his wand grandly around in a circle above his head. The crops ignited into a furious blaze at once, the light from the flames illuminating the night and reflecting in Onew's dark eyes. The fire was mesmerizing.

Suddenly Onew's reverie was broken by a bloodcurdling scream. He could see a blonde bob with sunglasses atop it amidst the blaze. It was Professor Yard! She was on fire!

 _What have I done?_ Onew thought desperately.  _I'm a monster!_

In a sudden burst of inspiration, Onew flung himself forward into the flames toward Nancy.

"Aguamenti!" he cried as he went, sending jets of water forth to calm the fire. Finally he reached his teacher, and with great effort (due to her weight), Onew managed to pull her to safety outside the greenhouse. The crops were still burning inside.

Nancy lay sprawled on the grass, looking blearily up into the sky and hacking out smoky coughs. Her skin and hair were badly burned.

"I was drinking a bottle of bourbon and passed out on the floor," she murmured weakly. "When I woke up, I was engulfed in flame." Her teary eyes found Onew. "My hero!"

***

"Where's Onew?" Fi asked as she ate her pizza at the AA dinner table. "I haven't seen him since class this afternoon!"

Minho walked over and plunked his plate down before sitting down right beside her. "Who cares?" he scoffed. "A ruffian like him can't satisfy a high class girl like you." 

Fi raised her eyebrows at him. "Onew satisfies me just fine, thanks." The table broke out into "Ohhhh!" at the retort.

Minho leaned in, a stray lock of his hair falling from his topknot into his eyes. He looked at her through long eyelashes as his gaze raked over her body. "You sure about that?" he smirked. More "ooooh!"s ensued.

Fi blushed furiously and turned back to her pizza. The whole meal went by but Onew never showed up.

***

Taemin lay awake that night, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the sounds of owls hooting and fluttering outside the window. He just couldn't get Kibum out of his head. He had to talk about it.

"Hyung?" he called, peaking his head out through the heavy velvet curtains of his four poster. "Are you awake, hyung?"

Jonghyun, his roommate, grunted sleepily.

"Can I ask you a question, hyung?"

He heard rustling as Jonghyun sat up and pulled back his own curtains. "What's up, Tae?" he asked.

Taemin took a deep breath, unable to meet Jonghyun's gaze. "Have you ever....been...in love?" he asked shyly.

"Sure, I guess I--"

"..with another man?" Taem finished. 

Jonghyun was taken aback. "Well, no, but, Taemin...I...are you sure?" he sputtered. "Who's the guy?"

Taemin closed his eyes dramatically. "It's Key," he said.

"I think you need to.....

 

CHALLENGES:

✮Word must spread about Onew "saving" Nancy

✮they must actually go to a class for once

✮someone must say "Rip them all down!"

✮Young Jae must ask Dufe oppa to wish him a happy birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Faye
> 
> -Dufe's fave pizza topping: one time Duff Goldman was doing a livestream on Instagram and Hachiko asked him what his favorite pizza topping was, and he answered "pepperoni." So of course we had to mention that in the story somehow.  
> -"Iiiiiincendiooooo!" while whirling his wand around is a reference to how Harry casts spells in the Philosopher/Sorcerer's Stone PS1 game


	15. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday, oppa~.

"I think you need to kiss him," Jonghyun said without hesitation.  
"What?!" Taemin gasped.

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

Breakfast the next morning was just unbearable. Onew had been minding his own business, eating slightly cold scrambled eggs (which, personally, he could barely gag down), when suddenly Professor Yard burst into the Great Hall, screaming at the top of her lungs. "Good morning, students! I would just like to thank Onew Lee for saving my life last night. He my mans. Thank you," she was clearly drunk, a bottle of soju in each hand.

Onew held his face in his hands, embarrassed. Scratch that, mortified. Why would Nancy just announce it to the hall like that?!

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

Later that morning, Jongyun and the gang hurried down to flying class. He was just teeming with excitement! The professor was Jackie Chan himself! However, when they arrived at the field, Jonghyun was left disappointed.

"Hey guys," Dufe waved. "Professor Chan is shooting for a movie right now. I'm the sub."

The students yelled in protest. "What's this rubbish?!"

"Whoa there!" the bald man screeched, veins bulging out of his ugly head. "I'm very passionate about this subject. I don't just like flying. I LOVE IT!"

A strangely otter-like boy Jonghyun recognized from the night before raised his hand. "Duff oppa," he said with a thick Korean accent. "Today is my birthday, can you wish my happy birthday? My nAmE is YoUNgjAe!"

Duff blatantly ignored him and continued with class. "Any questions?" Youngjae raised his hand again. "Great. No questions. Let's begin."

The students glared at him intensely.

"Um. So first you put your hand over your broom and sing 'Up&Down' by EXID." the fat baker hovered his hand over his broom and began to belt out: "Wiare, Wi-wiare." Nothing happened.

He tried again as the students stared expectantly. Again, nothing.

"Uh. Weird. This usually works-"

He was interrupted by Youngjae screaming. "DUFFF OPPAAAAAA," tears streamed down the otter-like face like a river. "DON'T IGNORE ME DUFF OPPA! HI FROM KOREA! THIS IS DUMBLEDORE SPEAKING! SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, MY NAME IS YOUNGJAE!"

"Oh, happy birthday Margie," Duff said, staring at his phone where he apparently had started an Instagram live.

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

After a tiring flying class where they literally learned nothing other than Youngjae's birthday, Key and Taemin strolled the grounds. Kibum had found a new brand of chewing tobacco and he was obsessed with it.

"Um, hyung.... I-"

"I think we should start heading back to the dorms, Taemin, it's getting late," Key interrupted, not realizing that the younger Korean was getting ready to grab his face and kiss him.

"Uh, hyung!" Taemin caught Key's hand as they walked back.

"What?" Key asked, puzzled.

"Have you ever.... thought a boy was like, really handsome?" Tae asked hesitantly.

"Of course!" Kibum remarked. The younger let out a sigh of relief. "I look at myself in the mirror everyday!"

He winked at Taemin, but the other boy frowned in response.

"Awe, why are you so sad all of the sudden, huh? What, did you want me to call you handsome? Fine. You're really handsome, Tae." Key offered a toothy smile and squeezed Taemin's hand.

The younger still frowned as they approached the AA common room door. "Hyung," he reached to grab Key's face but-

"RIP THEM ALL DOWN!" a voice screamed from inside.

Key and Taemin rushed to the source and slammed the door open, only to find a wall covered with chain-mail letters that looked a lot like the calling cards from Persona 5. They all said one thing...

CHALLENGES:  
-Ryuka must do something  
-Minho must get slapped  
-Key must pull a prank on someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love,  
> Jiayi  
> my igot7 soul has finally been released into this fic. get ready  
> REFS:  
> -"barely gag it down" was something my mother said about a restaurant salad to the owner  
> -"What's this rubbish" is a direct quote from the HPatGoF movie  
> -Youngjae is Choi Youngjae from GOT7. duh  
> -Asking Duff "wish my happy birthday my name is Youngjae" was something I spammed in one of his instagram lives (like I probably sent that 60+ times) and he never replied. He ignored me. Every time.  
> -"My name is Youngjae" is a reference to Real GOT7 Season 1 Episode 2  
> -Up&Down by EXID is a bop. go listen to it  
> -"Hi from Korea this is Dumbledore speaking" was another thing I spammed  
> -As I was spamming "Say happy birthday my name is Youngjae" Duff wished happy birthday to some girl named Margie who only said it was her birthday once  
> -"Rip them all down!" is a direct quote from LotR  
> -Persona 5 is a really fun video game :))


	16. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pranks sometimes end in blood.

_"Ryuka Liu, your crimes of yaoi have gone too far. All shall know your double life as a fujoshi. You shall confess your distorted desires with your own mouth, and we shall steal them._  
Sincerely Signed,  
The Thot Patrol" 

Tears streamed from Ryuka's eyes. "I'm... I'm not a fujoshi," she whimpered, defeated. She then turned to the closest person and glared. "You did this," she hissed at Prince Minho who happened to be beside her taking in the amusing scene. She cracked her knuckles loudly and smiled.

"What?" Minho laughed. "I didn't do that. Why would _I_ take time out of my _busy_ day-"

Ryuka punched his temple. "You spoil everything!" She then began to slap him much like that one Sims interaction. Between each slap, she said a piece of "I'm not a fujoshi!" and repeated it over and over.

"What are you doing?!" Fi cried as she entered the common room. She had come to see what all the commotion was to find her roommate bloodying someone. She sprinted at Ryuka and pushed her off Minho who appeared to have passed out sometime during the assault.

"Pffttt! He passed out? What a coward," Ryuka spat as Jonghyun came to pull her back. She caught his eye for a brief second. He looked... disappointed. 

Suddenly, Fi grabbed her by the over-sized flannel. "Why?!" Fi yelled.

"Why?" Ryuka laughed without humor. "You know what he did? He called me a fujoshi! I am NOT! A FUJOSHI!" With that, she flipped non-existent long hair and walked away.

Jonghyun let out an angry puff of air. "Let me take a look at him," he sighed, wand in hand.

Fi shifted so he had better access to Minho. Now that things were calm again, Fi felt all the stress of the situation hit her, and she began to cry.

"I thought she was going to kill him," she sobbed. "I don't what I would have done if she were taken away and if Minho-" She abruptly stopped. _"What? And if Minho what?"_ She thought.

Jonghyun pulled her into a comforting hug. "It's okay, oppa's got you," he whispered.

With that, Fi began to cry even harder and latched herself to him.

***

Kibum and Taemin watched in horror as everything went down. They had been the ones who wrote the calling card after they saw her watching some baseball anime and getting teary-eyed at two male characters' relationship. Well, it had mostly been Key, but Taemin had helped him staple them to the common room cork board.

"Uh, you'd think she would have figured it out," Key said with a frown, feeling slightly guilty. "Or at least have had the common sense to know it wasn't Minho. When has the prince ever ~brought himself low enough~ to use the word 'thot?'"

"Well, she is from Japan, I guess. She might not know the Korean prince as well," Taemin murmured.

Key laughed. "Nah, pretty sure you can tell his whole personality in one second of knowing him."

**CHALLENGED:**  
☼ Tae and Key cuddle  
☼ Minho + Fi tender moment!!  
☼ Onew gets a new assignment  
☼ Youngjae forces everyone at gunpoint to attend his party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am not a fujoshi and neither is ryuka. and i will kill you if you call me one... i just really love daiya okay :(  
> \- Hachikooooooooo <33333
> 
> References:  
> -the calling card is written persona 5 style. tho i kinda such at replicating it lol  
> -the 2 fools i write this fic with love to call me a fujoshi just cuz i used to be super into sports anime so that's what that was all about  
> -okay so roommate situation is as follows yall: Ryuka + Fi, Taemin + Jonghyun, Onew + Key, Prince Mean Hoe gets his own room ofc, and Sabrina shares with someone idk maybe that'll be thought up later  
> -yes, ryuka is based off me, looks like amber liu, and is japanese. what a mix


	17. 16

Taemin blushed. "Nothing."

Just then, a great horned owl swooped down, dropping a letter on Taemin's head. It was addressed to "Cockroach."

"That's what my father calls me," Tae muttered in confusion. He blinked hard before opening the letter. Key sneakily read over his shoulder.

 _"To my pathetic excuse for a son:_  
_So, you ran away did you? This is the last straw! I've always hated you, but now you are no longer welcome in my home, you miserable thot. If you ever show your ugly face again, I'll kill ya! I'LL KILL YA!_  
_Love,_  
_Dad_ "

As Taemin finished reading, the letter slipped from his hands and he broke down into tears.

"Wow," Key breathed, "so that's your pop."

"Yeah," Taemin said weakly. "He doesn't like me very much." He blew his nose.

Key put a hand on Taemin's back. "I know what you need. You need a good cuddle."

Tae's heart skipped a beat. "What?"

"You heard me!" There was no one left in the common room now, just them, so Key took Taemin by the hand and led him over to a sofa in front of the fire. He laid down on it and stretched his arms out for Taem to join him. Ever so shyly, Tae oblidged. (Key was the big spoon.)

It felt like heaven curling up into Key's arms, which now wrapped around him snugly, enveloping Taemin's body into Key's manly chest. From this close proximity, he could feel Key's heartbeat, smell the clean scent of his cologne. Taemin let out an audible moan of pleasure, turning his head to face Key's, slowly moving their lips closer--

"WHAT the HECK?!"

Key and Taemin snapped their heads towards the yell, and saw none other than Damiano standing at the entrance of the common room, gaping.

"What are you DOING?!" he sneered.

Key leapt to his feet. "Only having the best cuddle EVER. What's wrong Carrara? You jealous? Whatchu gonna do about it?"

Damiano looked Key up and down lustfully. "You don't even know what I could do to you, Chiave,"

For a minute Tae felt like a third wheel. Damiano was clearly hot for Key! Taemin had competition.

***

That night while all the other students were enjoying dinner in the Great Hall, Onew was sneaking out onto the grounds in the dark once again to meet his blackmailer. He jumped nearly a foot in the air when he ran into the gamekeeper, Shrek, along the way.

"What are yeh doing outside the castle, Mr. Lee?"

"Professor Shrek!" Onew stammered. "I was just looking for my spellbook... uh, yeah."

"Okay," Shrek fell for the lie and lumbered away.

 _"That was a close one,_ Onew thought. _"I hope this is over fast."_

"There you are," said a hooded figure as Onew approached. "Don't come any closer or I'll hex you. Your next assignment is to join the AA quidditch team."

"What?" Onew asked in confusion. That assignment sounded strangely pleasant. "What's the catch?"

"Just fulfill my orders and await futher instruction," the hooded figure growled. "Unless you want the whole school to know your secret, including your dear Fiona."

Onew felt his feet go cold. "Okay. I'll do it."

****

"Looks like your boyfriend ditched you again," Minho said snidely as he down next to Fi at the dinner table. Fi frowned, but looked vulnerable.

"He's just busy!" she insisted.

"I heard he's been seen around the castle with someone," said the random Debbie-Downer kid from the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban movie. "Sounds like he might be cheating on you."

Suddenly Fi broke into tears, dropping her fork dramatically onto her plate with a clatter. She covered her face as she sobbed.

Minho hit his fist on the table. "That jerk! Doesn't he see what he's got?" He wrapped his arm around Fi's shoulders. "If it's true...if he's really cheating...I'll kill him. I'll kill any man who hurts you."

Fi sobbed into Minho's chest.

"I'll always protect you," he said tenderly. "You have my vow as a prince."

***

Dinner was just wrapping up when suddenly a hush came over the students. Youngjae had walked up to the front of the Great Hall where the Headmaster's podium was and cleared his throat loudly.

"Your attention, everyone."

All the students and staff turned their attention to him. "I think it will interest you all to know that today is my birthday and-"

"Not this crap again!" cried Dufe from his seat at the High Table. "This ASIAN has been harassing me non-stop to wish him a happy birthday! Well, I refuse!"

That's when the whole hall gasped.

"HE'S GOT A GUN!" screamed some randomly woman.

Youngjae had pulled out an AK-47 and was pointing it directly at Dufe.

"Not so sassy now, are you, fat boy?" Youngjae muttered insanely, a drop of sweat falling from his brow.

Dufe had gone deadly pale. "I-I was just joking!" He pleaded lamely. "What I meant was, I don't wish you a _happy_ birthday. I wish you a _great_ birthday."

"That's more like it," Youngjae snarled. "The rest of the night is going to be my birthday party! And you're all invited...or else!" He swung the gun around the room.

"Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?" cried Dudley Dursley before disappearing into thin air.

"My first birthday activity will be..."

 **CHALLENGES:**  
-Dufe must get assaulted  
-Onew must start an AA quidditch team and the team must be assigned  
-They must have their 1st quidditch match  
-Someone must say, "I don't want to hear any more rubbish about me having a secret girlfriend!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Faye
> 
> REFERENCES:
> 
> -"Chiave" means "key" in Italian. Get it? Because Damiano Carrara is Italian? heh...  
> -one time we were watching Duff Goldman do an Instagram live and we kept asking him to wish Youngjae a happy birthday but he ignored us and wished other people happy birthday so we were salty.


	18. 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YoungJae’s birthday bash continues and Onew starts a quidditch team.

“My first birthday party activity will be... piñatas! But not just any piñata...” he pointed at Professor Dufe.

The fat man visibly gulped, sweat soaking his shirt in a matter of seconds.

YoungJae slowly approached him, gun in hand. “You should have wished me happy birthday back in flying class, Oppa.” YJ laughed manically before clubbing Dufe in the stomach. The students gasped, but no one really cared.

“Everyone line up to hit Oppa!”

The crowd lined up quickly, excited to have a turn hitting Dufe.

The party was going great, everyone took great pleasure in seeing the bald man in pain.

“Okay, next activity,” YoungJae announced after everyone had a chance to wack Dufe (even the professors!). “is truth or dare. I’ll go first: Onew Lee, who are you cheating on Fi with?”

“Ugh!” Onew was sick and tired of this. When he was late to dinner, Fi accused him of cheating and started cuddling up to Prince Mean Hoe. “I don’t want to hear anymore rubbish about me having a secret girlfriend! I’m not cheating!”

“Then where have you been!?” Fi snarled.

“YA!” YoungJae interrupted. “My birthday, my rules. Only one question per turn! Onew already answered his question.”

Onew gave a sigh of relief and asked: “Key, truth or dare?”

“DARE!” Kibum yelled. “A bad boy like me always chooses dare.”

“I dare you to.... kiss Taemin.”

Several gasps filled the Great Hall but Key only smirked in response. This dare was easy. He grabbed Tae and planted a big, sloppy kiss on his lips before backing away. “Sabrina, truth or dare?”

Taemin was blushing bright red. He-he couldn't believe this! The maknae ran to the boys’ bathroom, earning several confused and hurt looks from Key.

Meanwhile, Sabrina was continuing with the party game. “Dare!”

“Um....” Kibum tried hard to forget Taemin’s odd behavior and think of a suitable dare. “Give YoungJae one of those funny English names.”

“Wow, that was a boring dare, Keith. He’s obviously a Lorenzo. Just look at him! Lorenzo! L-O-R-E-N-Z-O,” the Cromwell replied without skipping a beat.

Damiano gasped. “Are you secretly a fellow Italian!? Let’s be best friends! You can even borrow my thong if you want!”

“Yeah,” YoungJae nodded shyly. “I’d like that... Well, this was the best birthday ever. Thank you all so much!” he burst into tears, dropping the AK-47 and accidentally shooting Professor Shrek in the process. “Let’s take a group picture!”

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

The next morning Onew arose early. He taped posters all over the AA common room in order to recruit members for the quidditch team. He’d be holding try-outs after lunch, and hopefully by tomorrow they’d play their first match.

Suddenly, Onew heard someone enter the common room. He grabbed a random crossbow that was laying on the couch. “Hello? Hello? Get outta my house!”

“Onew! Onew! Calm down, it’s just me!” Taemin sputtered, entering Jinki’s field of vision.

“Tae!?” Onew whisper yelled, lowering his weapon. “Have you been out all night?”

“After Key kissed me at Lorenzo — I mean YoungJae’s party last night, I... I was too embarrassed to return to the dorm...” the maknae replied shyly. “I can’t believe you dared him to do that, Onew-hyung...”

“Chill, Tae, it was just a dare. It ain’t that deep, man.” Jinki snorted.

 _Just a dare..._ Taemin thought sadly.

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

The quidditch auditions were a nightmare. Only a few people showed up, and they all showed useless talents that were completely unrelated to the sport. Vinchinzo beatboxed, YoungJae and Damiano performed a song from High School Musical together, Ryuka attempted to read aloud but failed miserably, Sabrina performed K-Pop dances, Jonghyun sang power vocals, and some random guy named Tommy played Dark Souls for like four hours.

In the end the final lineup was as follows:  
• beaters = Vinchinzo and Ryuka  
• chasers = YoungJae, Damiano, and Sabrina  
• keeper = Onew  
• seeker = Jonghyun

Tommy had left before positions were even announced, something about Onew lying that there would be free food. Needless to say, he didn’t make it onto the team.

（ミ￣ー￣ミ）嘉怡

The next day, Team AA had their first match against Slytherin.

“Wait a second,” said Sabrina. “Vinchinzo, shouldn’t you be on the Slytherin team? You’re not even in the AA! He doesn’t even go here!”

“Well, you see, Snape didn’t really take kindly to my beatboxing when I tried out for the regular team so-“

He was interrupted by Professor Chan, who was finally back from that movie, blowing the whistle to start the match.

CHALLENGES:  
-Minho must not understand how quidditch works and cheer for the wrong team  
-AA must be absolutely terrible but still win somehow  
-“BOAST!”  
-Vinchinzo and Draco must be brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love,  
> Jiayi♥️
> 
> this story makes no sense lol
> 
> REFS:  
> -YoungJae is YoungJae from GOT7, as previously stated  
> -“I don’t want to hear any more rubbish about me having a secret girlfriend!” is a quote from HPatCoS, Percy says it  
> -YoungJae’s English name being Lorenzo is a reference to the GOT7 Jackson Show episode 14  
> -“Hello? Hello? Get outta my house!” is a reference to YTP: Harry Potter Clogs a Public Toilet  
> -Sabrina is dancing to K-Pop because I love to dance to K-Pop especially Twice!!!!!  
> -Tommy is a characterization of my older brother and he will be mentioned several more times throughout this fic so remember him  
> -“He doesn’t even go here!” is a slightly edited quote from Mean Girls


	19. 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BOAST!

It was then that everyone realized they had no idea how to actually play quidditch. None of them had done anything even remotely related to the sport in tryouts as well, so no one could simply copy what they had seen each other doing either. 

"Whose idea was this?" Ryuka wailed, starting to have a crisis.

"Hey," Jonghyun comforted, rubbing her shoulder gently, "it's okay." He looked up dramatically. "We just have to go out there and kick some butt!" He gave her shoulder a light squeeze before turning to everyone else and giving a reassuring smile.

This was somehow enough to motivate everyone to get playing. However, it didn't change the fact that they had no idea what they were doing.

***

"How far up _are_ we?" Minho whined to Fi as they climbed the steps of the bleachers. As prince, he was very used to getting the Minister's box by special invitation from Father Perez himself (BOAST!).

A random man used a creepy snake cane he didn't need to walk to catch Minho's hanbok. "Well, let's put it this way: BOAST!" he yelled up at them from lower on the stairs.

"You ripped my hanbok!" Minho screamed. "93,000,000,000₩! Down the drain!" He then wiped the panicked look from his face and smirked. "Ha! As if! That's nothing to the Prince of Korea!"

"Don't BOAST, Draco! BOAST!" the man scolded.

"Draco?" Fi interrupted before Minho could have a hissy fit for not being called the right name (because, how could the peasants _not_ know who he was????).

"Oh, apologies. That's my son's name. He and his elder brother are playing against each other," the man replied, a disgusted look blooming on his face. "Vinchinzo... What a disappointment of a child."

"I'm sorry.... What?! _You're_ Vinchinzo's dad?!" Fi gasped.

"Unfortunately," the man groaned before slinking away, muttering "BOAST" as he faded into the crowd.

"Who's Vinchinzo?" Minho scoffed, clearly displeased the conversation wasn't about him.

Fi ignored him and, instead, focused her attention on the match which, by the looks of it, was going horribly. The scoreboard read 100-0 in favor of Slytherin, the team the AA were playing against. 

Suddenly, a hush fell over the crowd, and Onew falling to the ground appeared in Fi's vision. She covered her mouth dramatically as the commentator announced he had been knocked out by a rouge bludger that had had it out for him all game.

"Ha! Well done!" Minho cheered, suddenly interested in the match once there was an injury.

"How could you say that?! He's on our team! And." Fi stared him in the eye coldly. " **And he's my boyfriend**."

A dark shadow went over Minho's face. "Tch... As if I knew who was hit from these peasant seats," he spat to himself.

***

"Is it just me or are you going a bit slow, fatty? Sure your weight isn't dragging you down?" Draco Malfoy screeched at his brother impishly.

It had always been like this. All his life, Vinchinzo had been the cursed child.

"Just leave me alone," Vinchinzo whispered. "Aren't you supposed to be focusing on the snitch?"

"Hm? What was that fatty? Think your voice is getting caught in all those chins, Vin **chinz**!"

That was the last straw. Vinchinzo pulled his broom out from under him and beat Draco unconscious.

The game ended quickly after that. With their seeker out of commission, Jonghyun had no competition and was able to catch the snitch and seal the AA's win. 

**CHALLENGES:**  
\- Fi must wait by Onew till he wakes up  
\- Someone must fall off a cliff dramatically  
\- Someone must say, "I'm shaking my boobs"  
\- A kiss, idc who between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter contains some... developments. Prepare yourself.  
> \- Hachiko <3
> 
> References:
> 
> \- "How far up are we?" is from the Goblet of Fire as well as just a lot of that snake cane guy (Lucius Malfoy) exchange  
> \- The comical amount of "boast!!!!" in this is a reference to a YTP. link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLflYwwDS0U  
> \- Yes, as you read this, know Vinchinzo is a Malfoy  
> \- "Father Perez" is something my dad said once and that we've never let go. My mom's dentist is Dr. Perez but he accidently said Father Perez instead adbjsfjjks  
> \- There's a lot of Harry Potter lingo, but I trust you understand if you're reading this crossover


	20. 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang's party is crashed by the Alaskan Bush People!

There was a rager in the AA dorm that night to celebrate the Quidditch team's unlikely victory. Even Vinchinzo was there, surrounded by adoring women who wanted to catch a glimpse of the star beater.

Key, always the bad boy, had snuck in a few kegs of alcoholic butterbeer and was pouring it into mugs for everyone while Sabrina DJ'd all the latest K-pop bops. Everyone was chatting, laughing, and playing party games. Minho, however, was too distracted to join in.

His eyes scanned the crowded common room for that familiar wavy brown head, but no, Fi was nowhere to be seen. Where was she off to? He slumped down into one of the armchairs, chin in hand, and let the party go on without him. It was no fun without her.

***

"Now, this may be a wee bit of a wee bit of a wee bit of a--" said Professor McGonagall as she led Fi into the hospital wing. Fi gasped when she saw Onew lying on one of the cots in a full body cast.

"Wot?!" Fi cried, running to his side. Her eyes bleared with tears. "Is it... dead?" she asked.

"Who cares?" Professor McGonagall replied before walking away. Fi buried her face into Onew's bandaged chest, clasping his hand tightly as she bawled her eyes out.

"Aa-aahh," Onew suddenly breathed in a weak old man voice.

"Bae!" Fi gasped. "Speak to me!"

"Aaaah," was all Onew could muster thanks to his injuries. Fi smoothed his hair away from his face lovingly and held an ice cube to his lips to refresh him. _At least he's woken up,_ she thought.

Just then, Madame Pomfrey came bustling over. "Out!" she cried. "Visiting hours are over! Out!"

Fi gave Onew one last kiss on the forehead before leaving. "I'll be back for you," she whispered.

***

The party was still in full force when Fi made it back to the AA dorm. She spotted Ryuka and Sabrina drinking butterbeer (theirs were virgin tho!) on the other side of the room and made her way towards them.

"You made it!" her path was cut off by Prince Minho, who jumped in front of her. "I saved you a butterbeer!" He thrust the mug into her hands. "So, what's up?"

"Actually, I was just gonna go talk to Ryuka and Sabrina," Fi replied weakly, pointing over to the other girls. "Thanks for the butterbeer, though."

Minho's face fell. "Oh. Yeah, cool. Have fun." He looked down into his own cup and walked away dejectedly.

When Fi walked over, Ryuka and Sabrina were in the midst of a heated discussion.

"I can't ask Taemin out! He's totally into Key!" Ryuka cried. She was having another crisis.

"I think you should just go for it!" Sabrina cried. "He might say yes!"

"Who-who are we talking about?" Fi asked. But, before the other girls could answer, a hush fell over the common room.

A group of strangers had entered the room. They were all weird and hick-looking, with gross hair and leather jackets.

"Helloooo, ladies! I'm heeere!" one of the weird looking boys said. He was the only one who looked different, with a straight bowl cut, super skinny body, and he seemed to be Thai.

The group spotted the girls and made a beeline for them.

"So, who likes climbing trees?" a guy with scraggly long hair said.

The girls shared creeped-out glances.

"My name's Bam Bam," said the Thai boy. "I'm the sharp shooter of the clan. Looking to find a mate." He winked at Sabrina.

"Um, actually, I think I  _am_ going to go talk to Taemin," Ryuka said, stepping away from the weird boys. "Got any advice?"

"Just shake your boobs," Sabrina suggested. "Guys can't resist that."

She walked over to the Taemin, who was watching in adoration as Key DJ'd (he had taken over for Sabrina).

"Hey, Taem! What's crackin'?" Ryuka said.

"Oh, uh, not much," Taemin replied, his eyes not leaving Key. This annoyed Ryuka.

"Ugh, come on! I'm shaking my boobs!" she cried, bouncing up and down. Taemin looked up, instantly blushing at the sight before him.

"Wow, Ryuka," he stammered. "You look really pretty tonight."

"I know, right," she answered, running her hands through her hair. "So, how about Professor Shrek, huh? What's up with that guy, amirite?"

Taemin laughed, entranced. "He is weird! We think so alike!" He smiled at her.

"Great minds," Ryuka grinned. They leaned in towards each other, lips only inches apart...

A sudden crash sounded, and Ryuka and Taemin sprang apart. A fight had broken out in the common room.

"You crash OUR party, and you bring yer camera crew with you?! I won't have it!" Vinchinzo was yelling. He had slammed the scraggly haired boy, Bear, against a window and broken it.

"Clearly, we're not welcome here," Billy Brown said to one of the cameras.

Bear struggled against the bald baker, but was no match for Vinchinzo's brute strength. He slipped through the broken window and fell out of the tower. The entire common room filled with screams as the boy fell.

"Oh my God!" Ryuka shrieked in horror, clutching onto Taemin for support.

Bam Bam ran to the window to help his brother. As soon as he looked outside, he breathed a sign of relief.

"It's okay, everyone!" he called out. "Bear's climbing back up the wall!"

Lo and behold, Bear had latched onto the castle wall and was shimmying back up. In a few moments, he was climbing back through the window.

"That's what it's like in the bush," Bear announced to his camera crew. "In a minute, you could be dead!"

"Oh, I'm so relieved he's okay!" Ryuka exclaimed. Amidst her joy, she whipped around and planted a kiss onto Taemin's luscious lips.

Tae found the kiss to be more than enjoyable than he could have imagined. He kissed her back deeply, tangling his hands into her short hair.

From a few feet away, Key stared at them in horror. What was Taemin doing?! Tears began to form in his eyes.

 

 **CHALLENGES:**  
\- A love triangle must form between Ryuka-Taemin-Key and Key must become super jeal  
\- Bam Bam must say "sawadikrap!" to Sabrina  
\- Nancy Yard must drunkenly crash the AA party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REFERENCES:  
> \--"Wee bit of a wee bit of a wee bit of a", "Wot?!", "Is it...dead?" and "Who cares?" -these are all references to phookka's Harry Potter YTP videos.  
> \--"Aa--aahh" is a reference to SHINee's Nupbang LieV where they're doing funny voices and Onew sounds like an old man  
> \--This whole chapter will make a lot more sense if you watch Alaskan Bush People  
> \--There is a Bam Bam in Alaskan Bush People, and also a Bam Bam in Got7, so we morphed them together.
> 
> ~Faye


End file.
